January 11, 2008
Looking back, I was an Early Adopter of adventures that went on to become the norm. Here are a few examples of being ahead of the curve:
As a toddler I identified with recalcitrant star of The Poky Little Puppy. Later, I became famous as Procrastinus in high school Latin. “I’ll turn in my homework when I feel like it!” Sounds like Gen Y, doesn’t it?
In 1947 I was deeply affected by a reading of Dr. Seuss’ And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street. I identified with the protagonist, whose story got better with each retelling. So I went on to tell stories, myself:
• Once in the first grade, my daily story audience of 5 and 6 year olds were so enraptured that we failed to return from the playground after lunch. Worried teachers found us in the bushes as I held forth.
• In the seventh grade, I found the suddenly attractive girls enjoyed my retelling of off-color jokes. Sample from a dude range exchange: “I just saw a cowboy packing a pair of 38’s.” “That’s nothing. I just saw a cowgirl go by with a pair of 44s!” Titter, titter.
• I diffused many violent teenage situations with humorous quips and stories. Better a punch line than a punch out.
• I would buttonhole high school friends on the street to regale them with condensed versions of The Canterbury Tales.
• In the Army, I would tell my colonel funny stories over coffee every morning. I discovered later that this kept me from being deployed to Viet Nam.
• I used stories to win jobs and women, to close sales, even to understand the Hierarchy of Knowledge. This last construct [which I came up with in the early 90s] starts with data processing and leads into philosophy to patch together Everything. It says that observed and recorded Nature becomes Data, when categorized becomes Information, when interpreted becomes Knowledge, when interrelated becomes Understanding, when contemplated becomes Wisdom, when lived becomes Godliness, which ultimately leads to the ability to create Nature. (Yes, this will be on the test.)
Identified with Ferdinand, The Bull who would rather lie under the cork trees than fight.
Escaped from a criminogenic Junior High in an Illinois factory town to a lily-white California suburban high school experience. (Thanks for moving us, Pop.) I identified with James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause.
Began a life-long career as a dilettante and enthusiast. If there was something to do, I tried it with gusto. Then I spun my experiences as entertainingly as possible. I identified with George Plimpton and the hipsters in Kerouac’s On The Road. Or maybe even Tom Hanks as Forest Gump.
Partied in high school. After seeing Crazy Larry escape from the police cruiser into the woods behind Carolyn Kelloway’s house, I identified with the Michael Cera character in Superbad.
Perfect four-year record of NEVER eating in the high school cafeteria. Instead, I patronized the walk-up window for junk food and strolled around. In NYC this is now known as “eating street”. Doubtless my youthful appearance is the result of consuming over a thousand preservative-laced Hostess Twinkies.
Off to an effete, stretch choice college. Heretofore only for the privileged, I was one of first regular folks to go. I identified with Richard Dreyfuss in American Graffiti. [Turned out Dr. Seuss went there, too.]
Bizarre college experiences. Example: waking up among plush curtains and plaster columns in NYC. How did I end up in a photographer’s studio? I identified with the protagonist in Dylan Thomas’ Adventures in the Skin Trade. More likely, I was creating a character for Animal House.
After graduating, I identified with Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate.
Served my country, yet avoided combat. What’s luck got to do with it? Maybe it was the lesson from Ferdinand, The Bull. Partied with divorced beauticians and mail order brides in the greater Tacoma area.
Quit smoking in 1967 by exercising to the point of nausea before lunch each day. (Thank God for handball.) Became anti-smoking zealot in the 70s, not allowing guests to smoke in our home. Now France has quashed those stinky Gallouises in all public places. Take that, Jean Paul Belmondo.
Became an entrepreneur when the label was only used in France. With 60s appropriate facial hair, I was called a Hip Capitalist. (I was born 9 months after Pearl Harbor, so of course I had a Japanese motorcycle shop. Good thing we beat ’em.)
Pioneer in the LTA Movement. LTA = Living Together Arrangement.
Became only a “serial monogamist.” Never made it to the “casual sex” level. Not for lack of trying, but too much of a romantic. However, I was able to delay marriage: too much of a hedonist.
One of only a few unmarried classmates at 10th high school reunion. One attendee asked my girlfriend, “Are you liberated?” Duh.
Raced motorcycles way passed the point of common sense. In fact, I Peter-Principled with multiple contusions, fractures and concussions. On my Triumph twin I identified with Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, not Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. On my 400cc Suzuki motocrosser I identified with Evel Knievel, shouting “Oh no, not again!” (Knievel is well known as the inspiration for the Britney Spears chartbuster, “Opps, I Did It Again.”)
Was experimenting with Excess Leisure Time when I met future wife. Got picked as husband by this tall, pretty, brainy, cutting edge, bank officer woman who was a closet Alternative Lifestyler. Oh my! I believe she liked my stories.
Bought leather running shoes by Adidas long before jogging craze began. (Sister once told me ADIDAS is a mnemonic for All Day I Dream About Sex. Alright!)
Number Two in family home building business. I identified with oldest brother in Arrested Development.
Owned two homes in first year of marriage. No money down. Went on to be a pioneer in both adjustable rate mortgages and the Refi game. And why not? Who wants to leave their home equity to their children?
Experienced mid-life career change into Sales. Most folks where chaining themselves to their desks by then.
Delayed children for many years. Then attended Lamaze, LeLeche and actual delivery. Why? To have one perfect little pun'kin, whom we sent to private schools because only the best was good enough. Fortunately, the kid got my wife’s good looks and my math skills.
Usually did everything My Way, to varied degrees of success. Later learned this was a song by Frank Sinatra. Never identified with him,
Became wine maker with grapes from my estate. Actually, I found the vines growing in the front yard. The product is yet to be palatable.
Found work at the oldest software company in world. Eventually, organized the folks there to great success, which led to being acquired. This made so much money for so many people, that in the acquiring company’s final week, scores of sales people approached me at dinner one night at the Court of Two Sisters in New Orleans. They would kneel by my table, express their thanks and move on. I should have worn a ring for them to kiss.
Had trouble understanding that our kid was responsible for college admission, not me. This eventually turned out fine, but was a difficult learning experience for me.
Laid off in the Dot Com bust and never got back on the horse.
Blogged and published against Illegal Immigration before it became fashionable. In August 2007, the public overwhelmed their elected officials in agreement. Problem solved.
Realized in 2005 that human-generated greenhouse gases causing Global Warming was mass hysteria. Humans cause 0.28% of all the greenhouse gases surrounding the Earth. A rounding error! This silliness will fade into oblivion during Hillary’s first term. I have already moved on.
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Way behind the curve for my age: learned that while parental concern goes on forever, control disappears long before you realize it.
Planning my Next Act, delaying the front porch and rocker as long as possible. Perhaps forever.
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